Making Boys Feel Better Is Not the Answer to the Manosphere
My writings are usually based, even loosely around finance.
Not today. I feel this is more important. Welcome to the Big Ben theory for this week.
Content warning: This article discusses sexual assault and related experiences that some readers may find distressing. Please take care when reading.
It seems to me that the algorithmic gods have all worked in unison recently. It doesn't matter which platform I go to, Instagram, Facebook, or even LinkedIn, the stories I see are about gender-based violence and how we respond. There have been a few good ones, and a truckload of bad ones.
One of the more shocking ones was a video from The Age. Here it is. It's worth pausing to watch it before you read on.
A woman pretends to be a 17-year-old boy and goes online. It takes 13 minutes for the misogynistic and violent content to arrive. It seems like it was even quicker for the first "but that’s not all men" video to be posted in defence of men’s rights.
I've seen multiple stories today warning us of the danger of accusing boys. That when we accuse boys of ‘all’ being violent, ‘all’ being sexist, ‘all’ being budding young misogynistic arseholes, the boys don't take it very well.
The trouble is no one is making that argument; no one is saying that about the boys. It is a very old trick. To stop change coming, change that might disadvantage you a little, even make you feel uncomfortable, you yell, you scream, you lie, and you make people think that what you are arguing against exists. Even when it doesn’t. It takes the focus away from the real issue, which is the point, I guess.
Instead, what these "men" are crying about is consent education in schools.
THEY LITERALLY DO NOT WANT US TEACHING YOUNG MEN NOT TO RAPE.
That is what they are trying to stop with their cries of "not all men".
I am a man, and I can say, hand on heart, that it is not all men. At least, not all men are violent pigs. But and it is a very big but, it is all men who have benefited from living in a patriarchal society. That includes our boys, the ones who the "crazy left" want to teach to not rape people.
All men have benefited from the patriarchy, just like all women have suffered because of it. And, just to blow the minds of the "not all men" crowd, all men have also suffered at the hands of the patriarchy, and some women have found comfort in it. These two things can both be true at once, and both be a result of a really fucked-up system.
If you can understand that someone can be both benefited and disadvantaged by the same thing at the same time, you can begin to understand how messed up the patriarchy is. This has been true throughout history, but now we also have algorithms that can push pro patriarchal misogynistic content straight into young boys' minds. Is it surprising to anyone that the people running these social companies are all men? Perhaps if women were in the top jobs, the algorithm would look different.
So how do we respond? (Assuming we don't want to scream into the void, which would be valid)
First, as men, we cannot expect women to fix this problem for us. It is not a woman’s job to fix the mess we have made. The deep thinking, the really deep thinking, needs to be done by us. Self-reflection is not something encouraged by the patriarchy, all that feel good wellbeing stuff is for girls, right? We have to reflect on our own behaviours, past, present, and future. In doing this, you will discover that you have benefited from the patriarchy and, with true and deep reflection on your behaviour towards women, that maybe it is closer to "all men" than it is comfortable to admit. Take responsibility for your past and, equally important, your future.
Second, while we can't let the women in our lives do the thinking for us, we do need to listen, because they have a lot to say and it’s very valuable information. We need to champion women, in the home, at the office, and everywhere else.
Championing women means going out of your way to lift them up, even if that means putting them before you, stepping aside and letting them be seen. Yes guys, out of all the generations of men who have come before us and got to take advantage of the old boys' club, I'm asking you to refuse. Don't allow women to be passed over, even if doing so leaves you behind. We will all be better for it.
Third, if you have them, raise your girls to be strong. My daughter loves Jane Austen. As soon as she turned 18, she got a quote tattooed on her arm, her favourite quote from her favourite book.
"Headstrong, foolish girl."
It's from Pride and Prejudice. Mrs Bennet speaks these words to Mr Collins in Chapter 20 after Elizabeth refuses his marriage proposal. Mrs Bennet is frustrated because Elizabeth rejects a secure financial future for the family, though Mr Collins quickly replies that a woman with such a "defect of temper" might not make a desirable wife anyway.
I couldn't be prouder.
Raising strong girls doesn't just mean raising them to be headstrong, foolish women, although that's a good start. It means raising them to know what kind of world they are facing. Not to scare them, but to warn and prepare them. I've had men tell me that they will raise their girls to believe that they are equal and have all the opportunity in the world. They are equal, and in individual cases,
particularly if they share another form of privilege, they may have many opportunities. However, until the patriarchy is completely obliterated, they do not have every opportunity. They will always have to work harder, try harder, and be better than their male counterparts just to be seen. Raise them strong and raise them prepared with the knowledge of the world that they are facing.
Fourth, we come to the boys.
Is it unfair to lay the sins of the father at the feet of the sons? Maybe. But seeing as both benefit from the patriarchal system, I'm going to do it anyway.
Not every high school boy is going to sexually assault a girl, but I bet they know someone who does. And, as with most complex problems in this world, the answer comes down to education.
Not only educating boys about equality but educating them about the wounds caused by inequality. Not only educating them about consent but educating them about the horrific outcomes when consent is not given or withdrawn and ignored. Education, education, education in the home and at school is the light that will destroy the Manosphere's darkness.
The only story I read today that wasn't screaming some version of "not all men" was from boys’ school principal Michael Blake, the headmaster of St Joseph's College Hunters Hill.
Here is his quote, talking to his student body.
"I want every young woman who encounters a St Joseph's College boy to be safer because you are there. Not merely safe from you, safer because of you," he said.
"It has been a difficult week to be a man. It's been infinitely harder to be female.
"It has been a life-changing week for the women who are the alleged victims.
"It's been an extraordinarily hard week to be a survivor of domestic violence, sexual assault, or abuse.
"Gentlemen, here is the part I particularly want you to understand.
"For many women, this has not been a hard week, it is a sad, ongoing reality.
"This is not about how uncomfortable these stories make us feel as men, but the broader issue that belongs to all of us."
A noble sentiment. I look forward to it never having to be made ever again. Until that day, stay angry, stay uncomfortable, call out misogyny wherever and whenever you see it. And together let's burn this patriarchy to the ground.
